This is a bit on how I'm feeling/struggling with the recent death of my darling Niece, Sarah-Esther. I also posted this onto my sister's blog that she wrote about her heart and emotions, so that is why her name is mentioned...
I find it so hard to feel motivated about things in life now.. homework, showering, going out in public, hanging out with people. The feeling of being robbed and lost is constantly trying to overtake and push out all feelings of hope in the future and joy in the moment. I find that if I don't pour my emotions out and soak to quiet worship music, it all builds up in me and overflows into everything I try to get myself to do in my day. Sometimes I'm desperate to quit life for a week and just go somewhere and deal with this all, without people constantly asking me why I went home for so long and 'how I'm feeling now', and without the business of school, homework, and people being constantly around me. Sarah Jane, I am also struggling with talking to God about it, and not letting him take the pain and sadness away, because I feel like it lets me remember that it happened, remember how beautiful, loved, and special she was to us, and so I can go through this process of my questions and hurt. But as I am realizing God's heart, I am now trying to allow my heart partner with his so that he can help me get through this at a pace good for me, and not just take it. He can let it still hurt, but also start slowly helping us work though it.
I am so proud of Ashley and Josh with all of this, and God definitely has great plans for them coming up. I am very interested and hopeful to see how God continues to work this out for good in the lives of Josh, Ashley, and William, but also the lives of the entire family.
Seeing other baby girls hurts our hearts badly, as it reminds us of our sweet baby girl, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'll see her again in Heaven, and though that seems like forever, it's nothing compared to eternity!
Love you and Mourn with you.
Your baby sister,
Rebekah
Monday, February 13, 2012
Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Getting Real & My Heart's Song
With each passing day I would come to a deeper feeling of urgency that I need to 'figure everything out'. When I had a great class at school about the amazing revelation of the love of God, his joy being unlocked in us, how to evangelize with a kingdom mindset, how to steward the presence of God, or how to move in the prophetic can be a bit overwhelming. I would go home with my head feeling so full of knowledge and my heart experiencing new revelations that I felt I had just taken part in a hot dog eating contest. You sit down at the table, knowing that there is an unlimited pile of hot dog wieners available to you, and all you need to do is tuck in your bib and dig in. You first have a couple of drinks of worship, to smooth your throat so the meat can slide down more easily and to give you time to prepare your mind and system for what's about to hit. Then after your appetite has been whetted and your mind is focused on your objective, you pull your chair in closer and let the cramming begin.
With each passing day I would come to a deeper craving of God's love and it's application in my life. As I mentioned before I had been trying to figure everything out. Where I fit into Bethel's 1000 piece puzzle, where I fit into God's master plan, where I fit in my intimacy with God as my Daddy, and where I fit all this precious revelation in my heart and spirit that I have been receiving daily. After many days of wondering, a couple days of pouting that Britton bottom lip, and other days racking my brain for 'what to do' I had barely taken notice to the tugging on my heart. God's gentle wooing and desire for me that was whispering liquid love to my spirit. I didn't really notice that it was there until it began to pour out into my mind and heart. As I had been digging myself a 'what the heck do I do now' hole, God was demonstrating his grace for me to have his love poured continually into my spirit, by letting his water flow down into the lowest places, my lowest places. He wanted to overtake all my worries of missing him, not being in his will or not getting what I came for. Through this experience of his love 'flowing', God revealed to me a fear that I had hidden in my heart that I needed to let go of before I could fully be able to pursue him purely as my lover; it was the fear of me disappointing my church family back home. Please know that they have never put this on me at all, that this fear was something I unconsciously put on myself because I wanted to make them all see that they invested into something worth while. Me. This fear in my heart was totally unjustified, since my church family sent me here with such love and blessing that I can still see God's heart in all their smiling faces! It is such a lie that I would ever have to perform or pray well for them...for they love me and bless me out of their love for me, not their expectation for perfection! After I surrendered this fear, I am now able to go after God with pure motives to seek out intimacy and relationship with him, not to try and stock up on as many gifts as I can to put on a show when I go home. I would rather go home with my heart so deeply in him that I can bless those around me by simply loving them and being my God's little princess self and demonstrating pure relationship to them rather then giving a couple prophetic words and praying a profound prayer I heard Kris Vallotton give that I read off my arm as their heads are bowed, then leave the church to return to 'life as we know it'.
God showed me how he loves for me to just rest in him and know that he knows where I 'fit' in everything. As I get deeper and deeper into him and allow him to speak to my spirit, I get more and more revelation of what I had been searching for in my own places. Now I know that my puzzle piece is the colorful, loved, center piece that God hand painted with my unique spirit revealed all over it! I know that God's master plan has me strategically created for what I am called to do. If I was created as a peach, why would I ever have to strive to become a peach? Even as a seed the qualities of me being a peach are present. The seed may still be developing its traits and needs some time to grow, but before long it becomes a whole juicy peach. Not half a peach, not a bruised peach, but a peach that knows it's identity as being princess peach. A delicious and matured fruit from the well tended seed. I know that no matter how overwhelmed my head feels after hearing 3 different, anointed speakers within 5 hours, my spirit is able to obtain so much more of it then my brain could possibly dream to remember, and when I get into my intimacy time with Daddy God he can release all the revelations from my spirit into my heart. Oh our God is amazing! He never fails, never stops loving us and never stops putting blessings and joy in our paths! It's no wonder that My Heart's Song is crazy about and focused on Him! Thank You Jesus!
With each passing day I would come to a deeper craving of God's love and it's application in my life. As I mentioned before I had been trying to figure everything out. Where I fit into Bethel's 1000 piece puzzle, where I fit into God's master plan, where I fit in my intimacy with God as my Daddy, and where I fit all this precious revelation in my heart and spirit that I have been receiving daily. After many days of wondering, a couple days of pouting that Britton bottom lip, and other days racking my brain for 'what to do' I had barely taken notice to the tugging on my heart. God's gentle wooing and desire for me that was whispering liquid love to my spirit. I didn't really notice that it was there until it began to pour out into my mind and heart. As I had been digging myself a 'what the heck do I do now' hole, God was demonstrating his grace for me to have his love poured continually into my spirit, by letting his water flow down into the lowest places, my lowest places. He wanted to overtake all my worries of missing him, not being in his will or not getting what I came for. Through this experience of his love 'flowing', God revealed to me a fear that I had hidden in my heart that I needed to let go of before I could fully be able to pursue him purely as my lover; it was the fear of me disappointing my church family back home. Please know that they have never put this on me at all, that this fear was something I unconsciously put on myself because I wanted to make them all see that they invested into something worth while. Me. This fear in my heart was totally unjustified, since my church family sent me here with such love and blessing that I can still see God's heart in all their smiling faces! It is such a lie that I would ever have to perform or pray well for them...for they love me and bless me out of their love for me, not their expectation for perfection! After I surrendered this fear, I am now able to go after God with pure motives to seek out intimacy and relationship with him, not to try and stock up on as many gifts as I can to put on a show when I go home. I would rather go home with my heart so deeply in him that I can bless those around me by simply loving them and being my God's little princess self and demonstrating pure relationship to them rather then giving a couple prophetic words and praying a profound prayer I heard Kris Vallotton give that I read off my arm as their heads are bowed, then leave the church to return to 'life as we know it'.
God showed me how he loves for me to just rest in him and know that he knows where I 'fit' in everything. As I get deeper and deeper into him and allow him to speak to my spirit, I get more and more revelation of what I had been searching for in my own places. Now I know that my puzzle piece is the colorful, loved, center piece that God hand painted with my unique spirit revealed all over it! I know that God's master plan has me strategically created for what I am called to do. If I was created as a peach, why would I ever have to strive to become a peach? Even as a seed the qualities of me being a peach are present. The seed may still be developing its traits and needs some time to grow, but before long it becomes a whole juicy peach. Not half a peach, not a bruised peach, but a peach that knows it's identity as being princess peach. A delicious and matured fruit from the well tended seed. I know that no matter how overwhelmed my head feels after hearing 3 different, anointed speakers within 5 hours, my spirit is able to obtain so much more of it then my brain could possibly dream to remember, and when I get into my intimacy time with Daddy God he can release all the revelations from my spirit into my heart. Oh our God is amazing! He never fails, never stops loving us and never stops putting blessings and joy in our paths! It's no wonder that My Heart's Song is crazy about and focused on Him! Thank You Jesus!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
September/October: School Days and Social Dates Part 2
Every Meal Needs Some Meat.
Previously, I have written you appetizers about why I chose here and what my first day was like. Now it's time for the meat. Time to let you in on what exactly I've been doing since I arrived! This first month being on my own was truly an adventure that came with hundreds of introductions, some laughs, some tears, great teachings, crazy school schedules, and Daddy God.
The hundreds of introductions was the first thing God used to stretch me. I can honestly say that literally I have met hundreds of other students! There are about 900 or so first year students alone, 300 2nd years and a couple hundred 3rd year interns. Also, the laughs have been plentiful as I have bonded with my room mates, gone to many hang outs and social events, and met so many people in the different school groups we are put in. All the other students are amazing people who have incredible hearts after Jesus. And hearing their dreams and plans and what God is doing in their lives, so inspiring! The tears are from those nights where I've had a full week of meeting people and events and happenings, then a twinge of 'I miss my family' pokes at my heart. Thankfully, these times have been few, and most days I am excited to see what's going to happen!
Now, for the Bethel meat. There's been so much that I have learned and experienced within the first two months alone. So many different books to read, and different teachers to listen to! It's amazing! I'm very sorry that I'm putting 2 months together, but I want to get them out to you so I can make shorter current blogs of what's happening as it happens :)
Three of the main themes we looked at first are Core Relationships, Prayer Strategies and Unconditional love from Daddy God. Kris V taught Core Relationships, and it doesn't necessarily mean your girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband. It also needs to be applied to every relationship we build. Core relationships come from your "culture of love", most times being the atmosphere of love you grew up in as a child and young adult. Usually, the standard you love others is the standard you love yourself, so if you grew up not feeling loved and not loving yourself, you are crippled in the ability to love others to the fullest. Your heart will push away or sabotage anything that tries to express love to you, because your heart thinks "you do not even love for yourself, why should anyone else love you... and look at you you have flaws here, your screwed up here, you were abandoned here... why would they love you. You don't even love yourself." This mind set NEEDS TO GO! We need to move our hearts in the place where every morning we can wake up and say "World! If you knew me you'd LOVE, because I love me, and God loves me!", where we can move into building and developing our love for ourselves, and allow God to captivate us in his perfect love. You are worth your love, and you are worth letting yourself be loved by others. But most importantly, you are worth so much that you get God's love! He wouldn't have sacrificed his only son for something with no worth, and he did it all for YOU and you alone.
Prayer strategies was a fun one taught by Bill J. His class was about how we should pray on four different levels, to practice praying and trusting God, but also to build our faith when we see our prayers answered! The first stage is to Pray for things that will probably happen anyways! This may seem like cheating to some, but if you pray for something and it happens, you give glory and thanks to God and your faith raises because something you prayed for you saw come through. Second stage is to pray for things that most likely wont happen without prayer. Again, this activates our spirits, and when we see the things happen we feel even more of a faith raise because we know it probably wouldn't of happened without our prayers! Third stage is to pray for things that absolutely won't happen without prayer. This stage stretches you in a healthy way to put even more faith and trust in Jesus, to see things that he does that there is no other explanation for, like a blind eye opening!! YAY Jesus! The fourth stage is to pray for things that are crazy. To even mention them in prayer would be nuts, right? Wrong ! Pray into these things! Pray to see limbs grow out, to see the dead come alive, to see God's peace settle in the world! These four steps are a neat way of how we can pray to encourage, develop, and stretch our faith in God with our daily prayers.
Unconditional love is another big one that has been touched on many days since school started by either Bill J, Mark Brooks, or Kris Vallotton. Discovering 'who's our daddy' has repeatedly been spoken on because it is such a key part to finding our identity, as sons and daughters of the king! When we don't know our identity in him, we try and get out of performance what we received in creation! (Adam and Eve ate the apple to become like God, because they didn't realized they were CREATED like God). We need to go from 'striving' to 'being', because we can just be in Jesus. He is ready to love us so matter what! When we became Christians we became his, so just be his. Let him love on you, let him cuddle you and let you know about all the loving thoughts he thinks about you. He's not a God of punishment, but a God of forgiveness, grace and mercy. One who delights in his children like we can only dream. So go for it! Look for God and his love, "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search it out" Proverbs 25:2 NKJV. Congrats, you get to be the kings (us too ladies) who go to search out all the glory and treats God has hidden for those who are hungry! And don't worry, "Jesus makes beauty out of ashes, so I guess it's okay to make an ash out of yourself sometimes!" (Tracy Evans, 180 Africa Ministry)
Blessings, love and so much more to come,
Rebekah
Previously, I have written you appetizers about why I chose here and what my first day was like. Now it's time for the meat. Time to let you in on what exactly I've been doing since I arrived! This first month being on my own was truly an adventure that came with hundreds of introductions, some laughs, some tears, great teachings, crazy school schedules, and Daddy God.
The hundreds of introductions was the first thing God used to stretch me. I can honestly say that literally I have met hundreds of other students! There are about 900 or so first year students alone, 300 2nd years and a couple hundred 3rd year interns. Also, the laughs have been plentiful as I have bonded with my room mates, gone to many hang outs and social events, and met so many people in the different school groups we are put in. All the other students are amazing people who have incredible hearts after Jesus. And hearing their dreams and plans and what God is doing in their lives, so inspiring! The tears are from those nights where I've had a full week of meeting people and events and happenings, then a twinge of 'I miss my family' pokes at my heart. Thankfully, these times have been few, and most days I am excited to see what's going to happen!
Now, for the Bethel meat. There's been so much that I have learned and experienced within the first two months alone. So many different books to read, and different teachers to listen to! It's amazing! I'm very sorry that I'm putting 2 months together, but I want to get them out to you so I can make shorter current blogs of what's happening as it happens :)
Three of the main themes we looked at first are Core Relationships, Prayer Strategies and Unconditional love from Daddy God. Kris V taught Core Relationships, and it doesn't necessarily mean your girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband. It also needs to be applied to every relationship we build. Core relationships come from your "culture of love", most times being the atmosphere of love you grew up in as a child and young adult. Usually, the standard you love others is the standard you love yourself, so if you grew up not feeling loved and not loving yourself, you are crippled in the ability to love others to the fullest. Your heart will push away or sabotage anything that tries to express love to you, because your heart thinks "you do not even love for yourself, why should anyone else love you... and look at you you have flaws here, your screwed up here, you were abandoned here... why would they love you. You don't even love yourself." This mind set NEEDS TO GO! We need to move our hearts in the place where every morning we can wake up and say "World! If you knew me you'd LOVE, because I love me, and God loves me!", where we can move into building and developing our love for ourselves, and allow God to captivate us in his perfect love. You are worth your love, and you are worth letting yourself be loved by others. But most importantly, you are worth so much that you get God's love! He wouldn't have sacrificed his only son for something with no worth, and he did it all for YOU and you alone.
Prayer strategies was a fun one taught by Bill J. His class was about how we should pray on four different levels, to practice praying and trusting God, but also to build our faith when we see our prayers answered! The first stage is to Pray for things that will probably happen anyways! This may seem like cheating to some, but if you pray for something and it happens, you give glory and thanks to God and your faith raises because something you prayed for you saw come through. Second stage is to pray for things that most likely wont happen without prayer. Again, this activates our spirits, and when we see the things happen we feel even more of a faith raise because we know it probably wouldn't of happened without our prayers! Third stage is to pray for things that absolutely won't happen without prayer. This stage stretches you in a healthy way to put even more faith and trust in Jesus, to see things that he does that there is no other explanation for, like a blind eye opening!! YAY Jesus! The fourth stage is to pray for things that are crazy. To even mention them in prayer would be nuts, right? Wrong ! Pray into these things! Pray to see limbs grow out, to see the dead come alive, to see God's peace settle in the world! These four steps are a neat way of how we can pray to encourage, develop, and stretch our faith in God with our daily prayers.
Unconditional love is another big one that has been touched on many days since school started by either Bill J, Mark Brooks, or Kris Vallotton. Discovering 'who's our daddy' has repeatedly been spoken on because it is such a key part to finding our identity, as sons and daughters of the king! When we don't know our identity in him, we try and get out of performance what we received in creation! (Adam and Eve ate the apple to become like God, because they didn't realized they were CREATED like God). We need to go from 'striving' to 'being', because we can just be in Jesus. He is ready to love us so matter what! When we became Christians we became his, so just be his. Let him love on you, let him cuddle you and let you know about all the loving thoughts he thinks about you. He's not a God of punishment, but a God of forgiveness, grace and mercy. One who delights in his children like we can only dream. So go for it! Look for God and his love, "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search it out" Proverbs 25:2 NKJV. Congrats, you get to be the kings (us too ladies) who go to search out all the glory and treats God has hidden for those who are hungry! And don't worry, "Jesus makes beauty out of ashes, so I guess it's okay to make an ash out of yourself sometimes!" (Tracy Evans, 180 Africa Ministry)
Blessings, love and so much more to come,
Rebekah
Friday, November 4, 2011
September: School Days and Social Dates Part 1
September went by in a whirl!
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: When I first arrived I had a warm welcome from the weather, literally. It was about 40 degrees Celsius, plus the hot Californian sun was beaming down on my mother and I. We climbed into our rental, a cute compact Kia Soul, and pulled out the directions to my new place! I was inspired that there actually were bushes, flowers and grass on some well kept lawns along the road, and valleys of trees... for this was an encouraging gesture that I would not be killed by the heat. When I finally pulled onto Buckeye and mom parked the car across the street from the apartment, my heart began throbbing as the first stage of realization that I had actually made it to Redding, CA was kicking in. I jumped out of the car, forgetting about any bags and began to cross the street with mom to check it out. As I looked up to the window I saw two heads peaking out of the blinds. Then excitedly the door swung open and two girls hopped out, one from Ontario, Canada (YAY) and the other from Washington State. They met me on the stairs with enthusiastic hugs and smiles and kept commenting on how our family was now complete, as I was the last of the four of us to arrive. They quickly ushered mom and I in to give us a tour of the apartment. The apartment was perfect! It's cute and cozy, with the door opening to a living room with two couches and a coffee table to the left and a kitchen table and little kitchen to the right. Straight from the door was a small hallway which has three doors. The left one being mine and Washington's room, the center door being Ontario and Reno's room, and to the right a sink and mirror, with a door leading to the toilet and shower just beyond it. I loved it! Instantly I felt at home with these two girls, and it wasn't until the next morning, when she ran into my room in her PJ's to give me a giant hug, that I met my third room mate from Reno, Nevada. God has definitely blessed me with the three lovely girls he's put me in an apartment with. We all rock to put it bluntly. God has incredible plans for everyone in this apartment, and "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: When I first arrived I had a warm welcome from the weather, literally. It was about 40 degrees Celsius, plus the hot Californian sun was beaming down on my mother and I. We climbed into our rental, a cute compact Kia Soul, and pulled out the directions to my new place! I was inspired that there actually were bushes, flowers and grass on some well kept lawns along the road, and valleys of trees... for this was an encouraging gesture that I would not be killed by the heat. When I finally pulled onto Buckeye and mom parked the car across the street from the apartment, my heart began throbbing as the first stage of realization that I had actually made it to Redding, CA was kicking in. I jumped out of the car, forgetting about any bags and began to cross the street with mom to check it out. As I looked up to the window I saw two heads peaking out of the blinds. Then excitedly the door swung open and two girls hopped out, one from Ontario, Canada (YAY) and the other from Washington State. They met me on the stairs with enthusiastic hugs and smiles and kept commenting on how our family was now complete, as I was the last of the four of us to arrive. They quickly ushered mom and I in to give us a tour of the apartment. The apartment was perfect! It's cute and cozy, with the door opening to a living room with two couches and a coffee table to the left and a kitchen table and little kitchen to the right. Straight from the door was a small hallway which has three doors. The left one being mine and Washington's room, the center door being Ontario and Reno's room, and to the right a sink and mirror, with a door leading to the toilet and shower just beyond it. I loved it! Instantly I felt at home with these two girls, and it wasn't until the next morning, when she ran into my room in her PJ's to give me a giant hug, that I met my third room mate from Reno, Nevada. God has definitely blessed me with the three lovely girls he's put me in an apartment with. We all rock to put it bluntly. God has incredible plans for everyone in this apartment, and "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Why I Chose Bethel
How It All Begun :
It's the first time being out on my own, I just turned eighteen and instead of just getting an apartment across the street from mom and dad (which realistically would be a park but play along), I got the brilliant idea to go to a ministry school out of town. But hmm, but how far out of town? Which school, which city? Then BAM! I ran into Bethel. When I got my first taste of them it was by listening to Jesus Culture on YouTube. The worship wasn't just surface level clanging, but instead it was a hot pursuit for the heart of God, and seeing him glorified through our worship. Kim, Chris, and their JC team would demonstrate their love and praise for Christ in every song they did. Through them I got to see the part that worship plays for honoring God at Bethel. Then, I heard of Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton, who are a completely separate treat basket! The wisdom and humility that Bill carries is such an incredible thing. Hearing him speak on the DVD's was such a blessing and he was always careful to hear God first before moving/speaking/doing. I was introduced to Kris Vallotton only through his book, "Purity, the Moral Revolution", and it was definitely a life changer. I later came to know of Dann Farrelly, Danny Silk, and Mark Brooks to name a bit more of the Bethel teaching team. These guys (along with sooo many more amazing men and women) demonstrated through their teachings and books the part their leadership plays in the church. Finally, I was just running into so much Bethel and discovering what their focus is and where their hearts are, that the more I heard about them the more my heart wanted it. The first impression I got from every aspect of Bethel was Love. Love for God, love for the word, love for each other, and a love for life! It really brings 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 to life, just like it did for me at W&W. What they were chasing after is exactly what was on my spirit and where I wanted to go with God this year! This is why I chose Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry! And so it begins...
Fresh Start California
ONE REGULAR MORNING I woke up to a white 'popcorn' ceiling and hearing rustling sounds of someone turning over in bed. Hot under the unneeded blankets I kick them off and sit up to allow my eyes and ears to focus more. With my brain still half asleep I look around to try to make sense of everything and to find out where I am. The rustling was the turning over of a curly headed figure submerged under a bright green and blue striped comforter that matched the one I had been under. The textured beige walls surrounding me and the family suitcases half stuck in a closet that lined the mirrored wall across the room confused me further as I remembered painting my room a loud teal with a brown strip on top, and all my clothing being sprawled across my bedroom floor. I could hear dishes clattering and voices talking, but not my dad's deep voice talking to mom as they made plans for the day, or Caleb's radio playing in the room beside me, but instead girls chattering and giggling. Sliding out of bed I open the door to see two girls walking around the living room and the little kitchen. 'Hmm, not Caleb', I thought. A cheerful smile comes from a sweet looking blond and a warming hello from a fellow Canadian. Then, a familiar face popped from behind the counter and said 'Morning Beck'... MOMMY! By this point the lost puppy feeling was passing as events of last night came to mind. Flying in on my last flight of three, from San Fran to Redding, the waves of heat and sunshine that met my mom and I as we left the airport. Palm trees in the middle of the highway downtown, and mountains in the near distance towering in every direction.
Jesus, you have sent me on quite the adventure to find where and how you want me. To find where I can be at rest in you, as I march into the spiritual battle field happening over the heart and mind as well as the physical battle field happening in the city around me. To find My Peace In War.
Jesus, you have sent me on quite the adventure to find where and how you want me. To find where I can be at rest in you, as I march into the spiritual battle field happening over the heart and mind as well as the physical battle field happening in the city around me. To find My Peace In War.
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