My Heart's A-Hurtin'

This is a bit on how I'm feeling/struggling with the recent death of my darling Niece, Sarah-Esther. I also posted this onto my sister's blog that she wrote about her heart and emotions, so that is why her name is mentioned...


I find it so hard to feel motivated about things in life now.. homework, showering, going out in public, hanging out with people. The feeling of being robbed and lost is constantly trying to overtake and push out all feelings of hope in the future and joy in the moment. I find that if I don't pour my emotions out and soak to quiet worship music, it all builds up in me and overflows into everything I try to get myself to do in my day. Sometimes I'm desperate to quit life for a week and just go somewhere and deal with this all, without people constantly asking me why I went home for so long and 'how I'm feeling now', and without the business of school, homework, and people being constantly around me. Sarah Jane, I am also struggling with talking to God about it, and not letting him take the pain and sadness away, because I feel like it lets me remember that it happened, remember how beautiful, loved, and special she was to us, and so I can go through this process of my questions and hurt. But as I am realizing God's heart, I am now trying to allow my heart partner with his so that he can help me get through this at a pace good for me, and not just take it. He can let it still hurt, but also start slowly helping us work though it.
I am so proud of Ashley and Josh with all of this, and God definitely has great plans for them coming up. I am very interested and hopeful to see how God continues to work this out for good in the lives of Josh, Ashley, and William, but also the lives of the entire family.
Seeing other baby girls hurts our hearts badly, as it reminds us of our sweet baby girl, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'll see her again in Heaven, and though that seems like forever, it's nothing compared to eternity!
Love you and Mourn with you.
Your baby sister,
Rebekah